My approach to working with couples is rooted in Existential philosophy. The existential view of the world is philosophical. Looking at human relationships, existential therapists see the paradoxes and tensions that people will inevitably struggle with. When we’re talking about a relationship (a couple) – that can be with anybody at any time – we’re talking about “existential” issues, such as the meaning of the relationship, making choices and taking responsibility for our part in it. These are basic “existential” concerns.
Couples come into counseling recognizing that there is a problem – but, they often think there is “fault or blame” with just one of them. It is easy to see other’s faults – not so easy to see our part in the problem. This can cause one of the parties to be a little reluctant to engage in the therapeutic process – for fear of being blamed or “found out”. And, unfortunately in some situations, one of the parties is actually intent on or eager to blame the other.
The Relationship is the “Real” Client
But, the relationship is the issue and each person plays a part in that relationship. A relationship requires two entities. In an Existential therapy/counseling, every person has to own their “stuff”. It is a “no excuse” approach to the relationship where the meanings, responsibilities and consequences of that relationship are shared equally by the participants in the relationship. Each person brings who they are to that shared relationship and the relationship is then defined between the two individuals. So, each party to the relationship has to own their part in that relationship in order to work at it – it is never just one person’s “fault”. Also, each relationship is just as unique as the individuals that designed it. There may be “similarities” between yours and others’ relationships, just as there may be similarities in people. But, we are very unique individuals and we create unique relationships. In the Existential approach, the uniqueness is acknowledged as that which brings meaning to the relationship – it is not judged.
Preconceived notions and being in the “here and now”.
It is important to recognize that we do bring preconceived ideas to the relationship as to the part we should play and that our partner should play in the relationship. This can come from some old role models (more on that in another article). But, the relationship is happening in the here and now and needs to be addressed in the here and now. When we talk about adult relationships, each person is an adult and therefore responsible, in the here and now, for how they think, feel and act.
In most “couples counseling” there is a focus on communication, which is also an essential part of the Existential approach. It is important that we be able to communicate with our partner who we are and what our expectations are of ourselves and the other in the relationship. This needs to be communicated in a non-aggressive manner so that the other person can hear it clearly. Each person also needs to learn how to actively listen to what is being said by their partner. Not easy, but it works!
Existential therapy is not easy. It takes a real willingness to confront who we are in the relationship and then own up to that. We choose to be in a relationship. We can also choose not to be in one. Or…we can choose to work at the relationship as a self-aware partner, owning your part and dealing with the consequences for those choices. It’s your choice!